May 23rd

May 23rd, 2018

Today was hard. I went in for a routine checkup. It was my glucose test so I left Jones with my dad and Danny and I went together. Everything was so normal. I chatted with my favorite nurse, Roberta, and we joked about the sugar drink that I had five minutes to down. I did it in one. Then Dr. Larsen came in to check the heartbeat. He fumbled around for awhile until I told him that baby had been hiding out super low and in my back. After a few more attempts he took me to do a quick ultrasound.
      I remember laying on my back, eyes glued to the screen, searching for my baby. There he was! I saw his cute little body and breathed a sigh of relief. Until I caught Dr Larsen glance back at Danny, and then to me. With an all too familiar sound, I heard him say he couldn't find a heart beat. Still in shock, all I could say was, "ok." I didn't start crying until I saw Danny. We crumpled together on the bed. "How could this be happening? Are we really going to have to go through this again?"
     Dr Larsen went out and came back in. By some miracle, the radiologist was in office that day. In order to confirm, we would have to be seen by him. He got us in immediately. Once again I laid down and stared intently at the screen. My sweet little baby, all curled up, peacefully sleeping. Once confirmed the radiologist printed off as many pictures as we wanted. I felt so broken and empty inside. How could my body fail me again? Roberta and the other nurses hugged us and cried with us as we gathered our things to leave. I was scheduled to come back in first thing tomorrow to deliver. 
     Since I had already drank the glucose test juice, Dr Larsen still had me go get my blood work done so we could rule out any factors behind your passing. So much had happened that I only had to wait 10 minutes. The lab tech, unaware of our situation, chatted away. Commenting on how small I was, and that I should make sure to bring you back when I schedule my 6 week follow up appointment. I didn't tell her. How do you let someone know that the baby you are carrying already lives in Heaven?    
     Feeling hollow, we went home. Danny stopped to get me food and then went up to grab Jones. Dad was still the only one there. That made it easier. Danny told Dad and said it was his job to tell everyone. When the boys got home we cried and prayed together as a family. Jones doesn't understand what happening, but he will some day. My immediate thought was to get a hold of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, a non profit organization where photographers volunteer to take pictures of sleeping babies. I had learned about it in school, but never thought I would need it.
     We had family and friends filter in and out throughout the day. Around three o'clock I started spotting and cramping. This continued as we were showered with love. By 6:30 pm we were attempting to eat the dinner that my mom had brought us, but I could hardly sit still. So I started to pack for the hospital and for Jones to go to grandma's. I tried to sit down and eat something, but by then the contractions were right on top of each other. Danny called to ask when we should come in - since your brother was induced, I don't know what going into labor naturally feels like. They said about 15 minutes apart. By then I didn't know when one was stopping and one was starting. We grabbed our bags, the dogs and Jones and ran to the car. I don't think we've ever had a faster drop off at grandma's house. Baby was coming now! 
     We raced into the labor and deliver unit. Luckily I was in-between contractions so I could at least act like a normal person. They put me in a room on the other side of the hallway. Away from all the other mommas and their babies. That was nice of them. I changed into my gown and waited for my nurse. By now I was in so much pain that I could not sit still. Everything hurt. Before I was even fully admitted to the hospital they gave me pain medicine. My nurse checked me and my water broke - I was already dilated to a 6. She could feel tiny arms and sweet little fingers.  Dr Larsen came to see me and sent for the anesthesiologist. Once I received epidural I was finally able to calm down. Dr Larsen said he would give my epidural a half an hour and then we would deliver baby.  
     During that half an hour family came. Both sets of Grandparents, Julie and Makayla and Eddy and Billy. We all cried together. Soon it was time to deliver. I didn't even have to push. My body was ready and out came Banks at 10:07 pm. So tiny and so perfect. They laid his precious body on mine and I held him. I never wanted to let go. After Danny and I had a moment with just the three of us, we let everyone else in. They stayed for awhile and then, about midnight we were moved to a recovery room. We held you all the way up until it was time to go to bed. I was given an Ambien and fell asleep.