October 3rd

October 3rd, 2017
Rather than reword everything, here is an exert from my baby blog.

"This week was a hard one little bird. You were supposed to be the size of a grape. But Sunday night before bed I noticed some spotting. I didn't sleep much that night. I called the doctor first thing in the morning. Your first ultrasound that was scheduled for the 11th was moved to as soon as they could fit me in; the next day (the 3rd.) All day Monday I waited for Tuesday. Tuesday finally came and I went to the doctors alone. Jones was at your cousin's and Dad was at work. I saw you little one. You were there. I was so happy to see that little blob of life. But then Dr Larsen spoke, he said you were much smaller than he anticipated, and we couldn't find a heartbeat. He assured me that the lack of heartbeat could be due to how small you are, or it could mean something else. I had begun spotting that morning before my appointment. After the ultrasound was over and I went to have blood work done. In two days I will come back and they will compare my HCG levels. If they are rising than you are doing things at your own pace and I have another Ultrasound scheduled. If they are falling... well, a whole new set of steps replace our original plan. So here I sit. In Limbo. I was planning on announcing to everyone the second I had your ultrasound in my hand. But at this moment, I don't know what I'll be announcing. This is a scary place to be in little one. I want you to be ok so bad. I want that little dot on the monitor to grow up and be part of our family on Earth. To be able to have a big brother to look after you and to grow up loving your dogs. I want to teach you to paint, and to use a camera. And for your dad to teach you everything about sports and how to work with clay and how to make anybody laugh. There is such a big list of things that I want for you. I hope and pray that I'll be able to do all those things with you here, on Earth, but as I have time to myself to think and to pray, I know I'll be able to do all those things with you. It just might not be for a little while. Regardless of what the tests come back as, you'll always be a part of our family. I love you so much little bird. Stay strong. Grow strong."